Do You Get Stuck When Talking to Someone New? Try Asking These Scientifically Proven Questions for Making Closer Friends
Some people are great at ice breaking. Others have a tougher time and need a jumpstart. If you have a hard time making new acquaintances, try asking these conversation-starter questions.
Everyone’s born with different outstanding qualities and abilities, and aspects where they fall short. No one’s perfect, after all – everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Being able to socialize with new people is just another quality some people are better at than others.
You may have been brainwashed into thinking that there’s something inherently wrong with you if you can’t make conversation with new people – and that may get you labeled as antisocial or introvertive (not that being an introvert is bad). But that’s just not true. You could just have a hard time trying to make a connection with someone new, but be the most social and extrovertive person with people you’re familiar with.
If that’s how you are, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s like waking up in the morning – some people need coffee to get their day started, and others have self-starting engines. Luckily, a psychologist did a study that tested a list of conversational questions against multiple participants. You can keep some of these scientifically proven ice breakers in your back pocket for when you begin having trouble conversing with someone new.
How the Study’s Questions Were More Likely to Foster Closer Relationships Between Participants
Psychologist Arthur Aron believed that people can become closely connected to each other within a short period of time if they talk about the right things. He hypothesized the phenomenon hinged upon the questions people asked each other.
He got participants to separate into two groups that would chat for 45 minutes to test his theory. One group paired off and made simple small talk. The second group paired off and asked each other questions from a list Aron provided them.
The second group’s questions weren’t equal – they had a methodology to them. They were broken into three sets, and participants were to start at the first set and select some questions then continue down into the second and third sets until the 45 minutes were up. The first set had the least probing and intimate questions, while the third set had the most probing and intimate questions.
It might sound obvious, but after the 45 minutes were over and Aron examined both groups, he found that the second group’s pairs made a closer bond with each other than the first group’s pairs. In fact, even months after the study, some of the second group’s pairs formed long-term relationships!
Here Are Some of Aron’s Bond-kindling Questions
Most of the second group’s given questions aren’t really suitable for asking someone you’ve met at the grocery store or a business networking event. But they could be appropriate for someone you meet at a bar, a hobby club, the library, or another informal sit-down social place.
Here are some of the more appropriate questions (reworded to fit your situation) from the three sets and a short analysis of your new acquaintance’s possible responses:
Questions From Set 1
Hey, if you’re planning on calling someone up on the phone, do you ever go over what you’re going to say beforehand? Why?
You don’t really care if they rehearse their phone conversation. What you care about is the insight they’ll give you into their personality – are they the kind who do things on the fly or are they more cautious, methodical, and like thought-out planning? From there you’ll know if they’re risk-takers or more contemplative. If they’re risk-takers then you can ask them about risk-taking, adrenaline-filled activities.
What song did you last sing? What was the song you last sang for someone else?
This question has endless segue possibilities. You can go directly into a discussion about your new acquaintance’s type of music. You can also delve into why they sang for someone and what that song meant to their lives – these can easily lead into multiple conversational paths.
(After you exchange the common hey, how are you? You respond with:) Oh, I’m having a perfect day. (Then briefly discuss why today is ideal for you, and ask:) So what is a perfect day for you like?
Their response should give you an insight into their personality, hobbies, and habits. From this wealth of information you can go almost anywhere.
Questions From Set 2
If you’ve successfully asked your new acquaintance some of Aron’s Set 1 questions, and they responded comfortably with openness, then you can try some deeper probing Set 2 questions:
If you could know the absolute truth about anything, like yourself, the future, or someone else, what would you like to know the most?
This question gives you an insight into their personality, future goals, and what matters most to them in life.
What’s one thing you’ve most wanted to do ever since your childhood? Why haven’t you done it yet?
This is an interesting question. It gives you better insight into their true personality. They could be working as a doctor, but really have always dreamed of being a painter. Finding out what’s stopping them is also key – it tells you what’s currently dragging them down in life. Here’s your chance to offer them some valuable advice, too!
When it comes to friendship, what do you value most?
This will tell you whether you two are a match as friends. Maybe you both want someone to spend time with, or maybe you both want someone who’ll help each other out.
Questions From Set 3
If you’ve made it successfully past the Set 2 questions, you should really have asked for your new acquaintance’s contact information. If you’re at the grocery store or standing in line somewhere, it might get increasingly awkward to continue onto Set 3 questions. But, if you’ve hit it off, it’s best to keep the train going. Here are a few questions from Set 3:
What’s one of the most embarrassing moments in your life? (Then share yours.)
When was the last time you cried in front of someone else?
(Share a personal problem you’re facing and ask them for advice. Then ask them if they’re dealing with anything.)
As you can see, these questions all lead to intimate, sensitive details about your new acquaintance and yourself that bring you both closer together.
If you’re interested in the full list of Aron’s questions, check out the study. Have these questions inspired you? Maybe they’ve sparked your mind into creating your very own fall-back questions. Hopefully the next time you’re in a social jam with someone new, you won’t feel so awkward or nervous because you’ve got these lifelines to help you out!
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